Although this book contains the author's recollections of being violently and sadistically abused as a child, it is essentially about healing from the psychological and emotional pain inflicted by the abuse and from the destructive coping behaviors and mental states (drug and alcohol abuse, sexual dysfunction, amnesia). Based on the author's journal and research notes, the book is structured in a chronology of painful, frustrating, failed, and helpful experiences in the journey of healing. The chapters discuss the author's experiences with hypnotherapy, the struggle to distinguish fact from fantasy in his memory, the rewards and frustrations of his amnesia about being abused, his battle with alcohol and drugs, dealing with self-hate and his hate toward his parents, his difficulties in sexual relationships, and his journey from one ego state to another in the course of healing. The author acknowledges that he is still in the process of healing, of learning how to cope with the self forged by the abuse while developing a new self that both accepts and attempts to deal constructively with the abuse and its consequences. He concludes with a description of his efforts to maintain a positive relationship with a mother and father who perpetrated his abuse but have not themselves been able to face up to what they have done. A 95-item bibliography