This study demonstrates how Belk's (1988) Extended Self Theory contributes to understanding of violent relations at the micro and macro levels. Initial analysis of seven life stories of battered women and five of abuser men revealed a frequent use of the term "it" in descriptions of violent spousal relations. Application of Rosenthal's (2006) Hermeneutic Case Reconstruction method revealed four central themes: Control, possessiveness, contamination and "me-ness" attachment orientation. These themes support Extended Self Theory and the hypothesis that the term "it" expresses a covert act of violence in which the abuser extends his self by absorbing his victim's self into his own. A comparison of Belk's theory and Kelman's (1999) theory of negative interdependence between two identities suggests that these two theories may complement one another in assessing the tendency towards preservation of violent relations at the micro and macro levels. (Published Abstract)